Paralyzed by my hate and anger

paralyzed by my hate and anger 

There are those very few days anymore that I can wake
up feeling normal knowing that everything is going to
be okay for at least that one day anyways, when I know that
another dawn is coming and what I mean by that is, in my
life that I now live they are very far and rarely ever seen,
when I can open my eyes in the morning, from a very restless
night of sleep to the beautiful bright rays of sunshine
shinning its warmth down upon me, causing an unexpected
smile to spread across my face with feelings of unfamiliar
calmness and deep-down inner peace, which starts my
mind searching to find and play hidden movies of precious
memories that were thought long ago erased, filled with
nothing but beautiful scenery and happy people looking so
much like they are famous actors who are acting out a
scene upon a lighted stage somewhere in well-known play,
reminding me of some other place far away, way back in
another time a separate reality that I had felt so alive
knowing only happiness and so very much joy with a feeling
as if I could live on forever, but we all know today at this very
moment that forever is just a lie,  like that person whom I used
to be the very same one it is that I shall never see again
for those days are long over a very small moment in time 
buried deep in the toxic clouds of darkness that had been
carried in by the angry winds of guilt by the storms of deep
unending sorrow causing the raging floods of much regret
to come crashing down spreading chaos everywhere then
destroyed by a losing war that had been lost before it had
ever began battling an enemy that you cannot see of invisible
faces who are living inside of me, fighting every day and night
just to stay alive then raising the white flag up surrendering
to the army of addiction that was built by years of infidelity
broken hearts, deceit and lies, buried by all the decisions
that I had never made, paralyzed by my hate and anger that
had closed my eyes to the hidden truth of my own lies as I
gambled and threw away my life while I was fighting demons 
who were only on my side betrayed by an angel who had hid
its face whose wings held an evil who was in disguise made
up of greed that was never mine to take so here I am
an eternity this is where I will stay locked away in a cell
built by all my life’s own mistakes sentenced by a jury of
those voices who are only in my head found guilty of all
my sins, now watching through a one-way mirror
my close ones suffering through a life of unimaginable
hell, unable to help them as they fall screaming out at
the top of my lungs as loud as I can punching the windows
only braking my hands wanting to get out to help them
or even letting them in here with me but it is always the
same no way to save them just a few seconds to late
always just out of reach to late to preach feeling like
a parasite a leach in this life feeding off my own 
emotions and feelings of sorrow regret and the loneliness of
missing my dying soul and all my boys. 

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr. 
A Poet's Journey
Texas Poet Laureate Nominee 2016-2020

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