I wish that I was never born

Most of the time the key to unlocking a person's poetry is through sadness, regret, and sorrow, at least it was for me five years ago after my son Ryder was taken, I have since moved on from those words or so I thought.....

I wish that I was never born

I wish that I was never born into this
pathetic world, always feeling like I
am all alone locked away within my
own head in the bitter cold darkness
in the hidden recesses of my mind,
as I stare into nowhere thinking about
absolutely nothing and so numb I
can no longer feel anything at all,
almost like a child sitting down to
color mixing up all the crayons so
that they are now only black that
is showing no longer able to cry
as all my tears have all fallen with
no more to ever fall again, I even
have become best friends with
sorrow and regret since they have been
around so long and sadness which
is all around me everywhere like the
air we breathe, in the water, I drink
and everything I eat with the putrid
aftertaste of anger and despair
causing my stomach to start
churning vomiting up guilt until
I lay there with only dry heaves
choking with my body convulsing
leaving me spent too damn tired
to even move which is causing
me to remember all of the painful
memories to come flooding in
of every relationship I have ever
had while I watched in horror as
they self-destructed every one
tearing me apart as if I was having
a nightmare when I know I am not
closing my eyes screaming out in
anguish until a vision of the look
on my mother's disappointed face
shaking her head looking away
from me and the condescending
voice of my father screaming at
my mother for how I turned out
as he tells her to tell me what I
already know how big a loser I am
I never amounted to anything no
friends or anybody around me
including my own children who
want nothing at all to do with me
even though it was their mother's
that left me like this, only using
me until there was nothing left to
take any more than running around
lying cheating leaving me to drown
in my own self-pity as I tried to
hide the pain by drinking and doing
drugs which only made me an addict
hiding nothing at all only bringing with
it more misery finally breaking me
destroying the man I used to be by
ripping out my heart from out of my
chest and breaking it into little
pieces throwing it on the ground
then shaming my soul by convincing
it that they were its mates playing
games with his mind until he lost
faith unable to make any decisions
until he just gave up and waits
around until we die and leave this
ugly broken violent world that has
been lost to ignorance and hate
where prejudice rules with an iron
fist refusing to go away or die
married to greed which infects so
much including man-made religions
that only fool everyone so now as
I sit here all by myself staring off into
nowhere I wish I was never born to see
or even feel any of it.

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.
A #Poets Journey
Texas Poet Laureate Nominee 2016-2020

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