My own living hell

My tired bloodshot eyes open
up to a view of the dirty street
while someone stole the shoes 
that were on my feet I am 
shivering uncontrollably because 
it is so cold, I am broke with no 
more dope feeling sick to my 
stomach and very hungry just
wondering to myself where in 
the hell I am this time around? 
Close my eyes again hoping that 
this is just another nightmare 
but it is not, so I punch the ground
break my hand and the tears begin 
to fall then splash down on the 
ground around me, so I scream 
out to nothing but the silent echoes
of my own voice, looking all
around me but only seeing
the shadows of myself
looking back at me shaking
 their head as if to say what
 the hell did you do this time
 you loser, you will never
 amount to anything, hearing
 the familer condescending
voice of my father, while
seeing the disappointed look
on my mothers face, hearing
the screaming and the
fighting as they argue it is not
their fault well he is your son,
then I realize that I need to
get high so I do not hear the
voices in my head, but I am
so damn tired and have no
more strength to continue on
fighting all the demons that I 
know now we ourselves all 
make, all of the battles raging
on every single day and night
falling back down to the dirty
ground on my knees as I look
up to some where beyond the
heaven's and pray to God or
to whoever it is that will listen
asking them to take my
pathetic life, I don't really 
care how, shoot me with a
gun or stab me with a knife,
for I see no end in sight, I 
have no more hope to hold on
too anymore or the strength
to continue on in this life,
waking up every morning
always feeling like I am dying
more each day anyways deep 
down inside all the while, I
keep reaching out to
something I should not so I
make another empty promise
swearing to myself just one
more drink to calm my nerves
then I will quit tomorrow as I 
am swearing at myself that I 
should have listened to what 
I had said the last time all the
while I keep making excuses
but in actuality, I am falling
faster and deeper into the
darkness that is now below
me straight down into the fiery 
pits that are coming from the 
depths of my own living hell 
so I try to fight back this time 
even harder but fail miserably 
causing a pain to begin coming 
from somewhere in my head 
and the center of my chest 
growing stronger day by day 
that is making me start to go 
absolutely insane, deciding that 
I need to now "self medicate" 
only fooling myself and everyone 
around that I will be okay but 
I'm not as the darkness just 
keeps on attacking me as it 
surrounds me and is now 
part of me living in my 
dreams turning them into 
nightmares that scare the
 hell out of me while I sleep 
so now I need to get high so
 I can just stay up and not 
ever go to sleep and try to 
deal with it by ignoring it 
masking all the truths with 
the lies of who I really am 
just an addict who is on the 
run from the shadows that 
now follow me and the evil 
that lives inside of me 
screaming as loud as I can 
to the sound of only silent 
pleas crying out for help 
that I cannot ever see living in a 
life that was meant for the 
dead and dying all alone 
with no friends or family 
abandoned by all of those 
who I had loved the most for
 I a have systematically in a 
short amount of time 
destroyed all of their trust 
watching as all of my 
dreams now crumble to the 
ground and turn to dust 
barely alive while living on 
the precipice of a certain 
death hiding from the reality 
of what it really is a disease 
or disorder of the heart, 
mind, and soul and one 
without a cure that is 
something that we all now 
should fear for If you 
become infected I fear that 
it is already too late for as it 
has already dug your grave 
six feet down waiting for 
you, see once it has you in 
its grips it is to late my 
friend you are lost deep 
down somewhere in the 
depths of hell married to 
your demons who now will 
control you while they feast 
slowly upon your soul 
laughing as you are dying a 
little more each day until 
the who you once were 
and used to be now just 
fade away as you become 
just another forgotten 
memory whose name time 
will forget anyways. 

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.
A Poet's Journey 
A Texas Poet Laureate Nominee 2016-2020

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