A little bit more

A little bit more

As I was staring just outside the window in my room this 

morning watching as the raindrops fell from the ominous

dark clouds that were covering the cold winter skies 

looking at the now empty streets being cleaned up by 

all of the water that was rushing by I saw a bolt of lightning

flash as it lit up what looked like the whole entire world 

just as the thunder crashed causing me to jump back in 

my seat just a little bringing me back from where I was

lost in the shadows of forgotten memories somewhere 

deep down within my mind, I began feeling an emptiness

 as it filled my soul coming over me while a deep sadness

 started to weigh heavy on my heart, then I started thinking about my past and all the issues I have had in relationships

then I thought maybe all of the love that I have been looking 

for throughout my entire life has not really been missing 

after all, it could really be that I have in actuality 

always been searching for something that is just a bit more

then I started to wrack my brain going back through all

of those moments in time remembering everyone that I 

have ever been with bringing back all the emotions that 

went with it like all the laughter we have had and all the 

teardrops that had fallen along with those feelings of

 happiness, joy, and of the pain, oh yeah, the pain of a broken heart and of the fights while breaking up, the dreams that

 were made than watching as they crumbled and faded 

away and the sheer terror of being alone again while fearing

the unknown and what tomorrow had in store or what the

next day just might bring causing me to stop and take a 

big breath as I started shaking my head as the tears started

falling from my eyes when I noticed that the sun was 

peeking through all the storms raging on outside causing

several rays of light to filter through the window hitting me

right in the center of my chest almost as if to say that the

answers that I have been looking for was right where it has

always been somewhere deep down inside of me, so I 

closed my eyes and right away begin hearing all of the 

whispering that was coming from my within heart and soul

too busy telling secrets of where the keys may be found to

unlock all of my dreams and lovers never held and tales

of broken hearts and shattered souls and then I could hear

the sounds from the pumping of the well where all of the 

ink I spill was coming from which sounded a lot like the

beating of my heart and then I could hear what sounded

like a baby crying then the memories started playing like 

a movie on a screen showing me the births of my four sons and different times and places as they grew up and all

the fun we had that filled me up full of love, then like it

started it ended to an eerie silence of the lambs type of

quite and the hair on the back of my neck started standing

up then a horrible screaming then fighting it sounded like

a battle going on who was winning I was not sure then 

right on queue, a new movie was playing and I knew right

away what I had been hearing it was a scene of me fighting

the demons that live within me the ones I created doing

drugs and that infection called addiction that I deal with

every day, then I suddenly opened up my eyes and Ryder 

my six-year-old son was standing right there in front of me

telling me he was hungry and asking why I was sleeping

sitting up, then I gave him a hug and we started messing 

around laughing and playing and later on it occurred to me

I have more love then I could ever have with that little boy

and being that I am a single dad how can I be lonely trying

to keep up with a first grader all day long at my age, and 

love well I am learning how to love myself all over again 

maybe that was what I have been missing all this time so when that happens I will I just might be ready to look for

somebody love me as I love me just as I would love them.

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.

A Poet's Journey

A Texas Poet Luariate Nominee 2016-2020