A little bit more

A little bit more

As I was staring just outside the window in my room this 
morning watching as the raindrops fell from the ominous
dark clouds that were covering the cold winter skies 
looking at the now empty streets being cleaned up by 
all of the water that was rushing by I saw a bolt of lightning
flash as it lit up what looked like the whole entire world 
just as the thunder crashed causing me to jump back in 
my seat just a little bringing me back from where I was
lost in the shadows of forgotten memories somewhere 
deep down within my mind, I began feeling an emptiness
 as it filled my soul coming over me while a deep sadness
 started to weigh heavy on my heart, then I started thinking about my past and all the issues I have had in relationships
then I thought maybe all of the love that I have been looking 
for throughout my entire life has not really been missing 
after all, it could really be that I have in actuality 
always been searching for something that is just a bit more
then I started to wrack my brain going back through all
of those moments in time remembering everyone that I 
have ever been with bringing back all the emotions that 
went with it like all the laughter we have had and all the 
teardrops that had fallen along with those feelings of
 happiness, joy, and of the pain, oh yeah, the pain of a broken heart and of the fights while breaking up, the dreams that
 were made than watching as they crumbled and faded 
away and the sheer terror of being alone again while fearing
the unknown and what tomorrow had in store or what the
next day just might bring causing me to stop and take a 
big breath as I started shaking my head as the tears started
falling from my eyes when I noticed that the sun was 
peeking through all the storms raging on outside causing
several rays of light to filter through the window hitting me
right in the center of my chest almost as if to say that the
answers that I have been looking for was right where it has
always been somewhere deep down inside of me, so I 
closed my eyes and right away begin hearing all of the 
whispering that was coming from my within heart and soul
too busy telling secrets of where the keys may be found to
unlock all of my dreams and lovers never held and tales
of broken hearts and shattered souls and then I could hear
the sounds from the pumping of the well where all of the 
ink I spill was coming from which sounded a lot like the
beating of my heart and then I could hear what sounded
like a baby crying then the memories started playing like 
a movie on a screen showing me the births of my four sons and different times and places as they grew up and all
the fun we had that filled me up full of love, then like it
started it ended to an eerie silence of the lambs type of
quite and the hair on the back of my neck started standing
up then a horrible screaming then fighting it sounded like
a battle going on who was winning I was not sure then 
right on queue, a new movie was playing and I knew right
away what I had been hearing it was a scene of me fighting
the demons that live within me the ones I created doing
drugs and that infection called addiction that I deal with
every day, then I suddenly opened up my eyes and Ryder 
my six-year-old son was standing right there in front of me
telling me he was hungry and asking why I was sleeping
sitting up, then I gave him a hug and we started messing 
around laughing and playing and later on it occurred to me
I have more love then I could ever have with that little boy
and being that I am a single dad how can I be lonely trying
to keep up with a first grader all day long at my age, and 
love well I am learning how to love myself all over again 
maybe that was what I have been missing all this time so when that happens I will I just might be ready to look for
somebody love me as I love me just as I would love them.

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.
A Poet's Journey
A Texas Poet Luariate Nominee 2016-2020

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