Destined in fate

Destined in fate

As I lay right here in my bed terrorized while
I am paralyzed so afraid to move just staring
up at the tiny cracks on the ceiling in the
middle of the day with the sunlight trying hard
to filter through the old dirty torn curtains
in this old rundown one-room motel that I
have found myself in and call home, wondering
to myself how in the hell did I end up here, as
all my fears of dying all alone all these many years
now seem as if they indeed will come true, as
tears have now started falling, streaming down
my check for a deep sadness that I now feel but
yet not for all the battles that I have lost in
my wasted life but more for the very few
wars that I have won, not for the darkness
of a depression that I have fallen so deep
into that, I now fear this time will never end
or for a war that has already ended it seems
like a lifetime ago that I still and always will
battle within the confines of my own mind
striking out into the empty air at enemy no
longer there yet I am attacked every day or
all my inner demons that I fight with every
single night when I try so hard to close my
tired bloodshot eyes to try to get a little sleep
as I try so very hard to run away to hide while
they continuously hunt me to take my wounded
lonely soul for them to keep as a prize but no,
or for all the scars that now lay upon my heart
with a searing pain that screams out in agony
from being ripped all apart broken by a few who
had no soul at all whose entire life was devoted
to try to destroy mine it seems sent by the evil who
lives on the other side of the light as I tried my best to
save a little boy, not mine, the sadness that I
am feeling is not for any kind of sorrow or even
regret of any and all of the decision that I had
ever had to make but more for all of the things
that I never did or the chance to sit down and
explain the reason that I did whose silence has
created a deep pit of agony that no one can
understand dragging me through a hell I wish
upon no other man mourning the death of the
three who are and always will so dear to me
who are still quite alive yet hold the very much
misunderstood and misplaced hatred and
disappointment of the sight of me as a failure who
has failed them as a father tattooed and imprinted
within their hearts and minds as the truth of a
reality that has gotten twisted blurred between the
lines as I was tried, judged, and convicted without
my side or evidence ever needed as the jury of
the few who were blinded by the quiet sound of
ignorance found me guilty of the truth sentenced
to death by the deliverance of silence erasing my
remembrance of any type of involvement in their
lives. I have many times pleaded for a stay of
execution by sorrowful forgiveness that shall
not ever come overwhelmed in confusion by
hurt and scorn delivered by a ghost who was
never born exiled and now forgotten in a jail
cell I am to slowly rot in as I slowly become
insane by a madness going crazy as their memories
play over like a broken record of the day of the
births of each one of my sons and the joy that
I felt from the smiles that they gave me now
taken stolen from a life of abuse, mental health,
addiction, and pride which I now have finally
beaten only to wake from a coma of mental haze
to find that there was no one else around no friends
no family nobody except for me who is now sick,
broken, and forsaken just waiting for my old friend
death to come calling my name in this old rundown
dirty motel room destined in fate to die here all alone.

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.
A #Poets Journey