I once believed


I USED TO BELIEVE

I used to believe for a while that all there was to life
was bills I could not pay and broken hearts rolling a
bowl to stay up for days and popping pills to go to
sleep at night, pulling licks and turning tricks while
stealing food sleeping on the cold hard streets as I
wake up living in all of my nightmares and broken
dreams telling lies never knowing the truth hating
God for my mistakes I mean why not get high to
forget today, blaming everyone else for my past
hoping tomorrow would never last never mattered
where I was going, always forgetting where I have
been shaking my head with every chance I get as I
hide from the bad guys while running away from
police closing my eyes whenever I could and
hoping they would never open again, but it did not
start that way you know it never does and today I
hope it is not the way it ends. You wonder when it
all started well so do I for I cannot tell as I am not
really sure my memories are real that was long ago
in a different world when people told the truth and
women didn't use men like me I would give you any
thing you wanted all you had to do was to ask, but
the more I gave the more they would take until there
was nothing else to give over and over again only
being passed around like a joint at a high school
prom threw on the ground like my name was Matt
and extinguished like the joy in my life has been
broken heart one after another until I could stand
the pain no longer so I started to self-medicate a
fancy word for became an addict, where I found
more of the same or even worse, as it became a
viscous cycle finding it easier than leading a so
called regular or normal life I mean people look at
you with disgust imagine that a disease with no cure
yet when you have cancer or diabetes diseases with
no cure people feel sorry for you the government
throws billions if not trillions to find cures they
already have but us addicts I mean are thrown in
jail where once a mentally ill user gets attacked
and becomes a whole different worse person just
to survive and not be somebody else’s wife all
because the people in charge whom we are
supposed to trust lied about marijuana or drugs
they created and then throw you right back on the
streets and say use the steps which are missing a
few and yeah let's create a place where dealers can
connect with users and talk about the good days
passing around numbers so the cycle can start all
over again that my friends is a small reason that
addiction begins and please don't look down on me
sitting on your high horse living in a glass house
because if you drink or smoke gamble or watch
porn you are an addict in denial, a hypocrite, at least
I admit it which means there is no hope for people
like me, it is what it is I mean I am clean and trying
to live somewhat of what is a normal life but I know
it would not take much for me to fall into and start
that cycle again because of this world we all now
live besides I still have a few tickets to dance with
the devil even though I have already earned my wings.

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.

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