No longer afraid of the dark

When you are lonely and sick thinking to yourself that you're going to end up dying alone, a smile or laughter are a few things that just do not come around, so you cut yourself off from family and friends lock yourself in your room and stare at the walls waiting to die like I was, you do not expect somebody you have always loved and I wondered what if for the last eight years, and you always wrote about calls you up out of nowhere after two years of wondering what the hell happened to them and ask you to marry them. of course, you would say yes .. did just that she brought me out of the deep depression I was made me feel good about myself made me get better giving me something more to look forward to calling me every day to make sure I was doing what the doctors said making sure I was taking my meds giving me a purpose in life again she did all that for me .. how it all ended is one thing that is what addiction does to you it's an ugly disease but regardless she saved my life by reminding me I am somebody so I will always love her for that. I really do not want to talk about this it's over and believe it or not I am doing fine, just started a new job and things are looking up. Thank you, everyone, for having my back and have been worried I love every one of you my fans friends, and family and I pray she finds her way someday and she beats her demons and although our marriage is over along with our friendship, she will always have a special place in my heart.. 

No longer afraid of the dark 

At this point in my life, I am just tired, 

I want to turn off my phone and lock 

all the doors, close the windows, pull 

down all the shades. I just want to 

stay in my room and lay in my bed, pull 

the covers up while I put a pillow over 

my head, then scream and yell as loud 

as I can until I lose my voice, once again 

then cry until I am out of tears. I am 

no longer afraid of the dark, for it is 

where I lived now most of my life, but 

I do now fear the light because it hurts 

my eyes. I do not need anyone in my life

I just want to give up and raise the white 

flag, I have had enough, no more strength 

or will to fight and even hope is gone out 

of my sight. Every time I think I found 

love, I find It was just another lie forever is not 

that long and marriage sure ain't what it used to 

be. I am tired of walking around blind. I am 

always being used and lied to every 

time getting played a fool for being a 

nice guy, we all know, will lose every 

time as we finish last, but no more see

if I am gone. There won't be anybody 

home, nobody around to ask for money 

as fake tears will fall, getting up real close, 

making promises saying I need your 

help while acting out the part of a porno film I 

just want to be left alone. 

Please do not knock or call my phone 

don't message me on Facebook or 

the video chat on Zoom. I am very broken, I am 

lost, my heart has been torn apart I 

have given all that can give as the takers 

have taken all that I have got, not even

do I have any gives to fuck, I no longer 

fear dying or my death, as I have no 

more life left that I want to live. All I want 

now is my wings to spread so I can fly 

back home so I can live with Him if He

doesn't want to extend his hand. It's okay 

I will not be mad, I do understand, so I 

will fall from grace and live in hell I hope 

they have Netflix if not, oh well, at least I will no longer 

be here. The point I am trying to say is enough 

is enough how much more pain can one person 

take, how many times am I going to make the 

same mistakes. How many times am I going to 

believe their lies, they act so well, they 

should win Oscars with their name in lights 

I fall for the teardrops every time, say okay, then

Wake up to a broken heart that has been broke 

so much they cannot fix it like Humpty Dumpty 

even a King could not fix

The problem is and this took me fifty-five years

to figure this out is I am the most intelligent idiot 

you will ever meet the smartest dumbass alive 

today I want to believe there is still good in people

I am fading in that hope and wishing for

change on falling stars. nobody listens, nobody cares

unless it is about themselves, maybe it's me 

or where I have been looking, maybe it is society 

In the way, it looks at things, maybe my standards 

are just a little low I should look up from the gutter

that is only filled with dope whores

and Hoes, no more looking at inmates dot com

bitches behind bars. You only find liars and con

artist drug addicts and probably their sister and mom.

The next time, wait, back up. That's a mistake.

what I mean to say is I am done for now I would 

rather live alone than live in a fantasy world filled

with lies it will be so much easier that is no 

joke nobody trying to pull a lick on you or going behind 

your back lying cheating and talking smack

No more nagging or honey do's while they lay 

around the house getting fat as hell no more

secrets no more fabricated stories that should 

be on a New York Times bestseller list

no more trying to make a dream come true 

finding out later you married Freddy Krueger

who turned it into a nightmare come true no more 

woman who may or may not look just like a 

beauty queen on the outside just to find out they

are as ugly as shit on the inside with no heart

or soul you know the ones who out of nowhere call you 

on the phone taking advantage of your kindness

asking you to marry them and talk all sweet

asking for help raising their daughter and 

getting out of jail for free so when they get 

out they can help take care of you hiding the 

fact about how much time they had left only 

wanting to talk about how much money they need 

on all their books never caring about what you 

maybe going through while everyone around is 

warning you while you defend her telling everyone 

you were close friends which were true

always defending her because you believed it too

so you work your ass off making sure all the 

paperwork was right then going to a prison just to 

make all your hopes and dreams come true

telling her she could back out of it I would be okay 

as she tells you no baby this is what I want I promise 

everything will be okay, so you say I do she said 

I do to death do you part l, you kiss your bride and hug 

real tight holding hands a tear falls down fifteen 

minutes later

you are driving home so happy so alive excited

to see what the future brings thinking about

your family until you fall asleep dreaming of your 

beautiful wife looking down at your wedding ring

Smiling, then a little while later you notice your 

phone does not ring as much and when it does 

you talk about this, and that then find out she is 

not listening, then you find out she is starting 

to talk to all her ex-friends, the ones who are all 

on drugs, which is all she wants to talk about as

they find out who she really got married to 

talking shit making her feel like crap, embarrassed that

she did such a thing than getting a phone call the 

first in a few days cursing and screaming, making 

up stories accusing you of bullshit and stupid

things calling your son a liar when he did not 

Lie about one damn thing, say things like I 

never should have married you. I want an annulment

leaving you looking around, feeling lost and 

stupid hurt and exhausted pissed off and 

furious that she made you look like a damn fool 

after claiming she was your friend, so you start

looking deeper into the past,  remember all

the things she had done to you remembering that 

she was nothing but a dope whore and car thief 

who has always taken advantage of you when all 

you were was nice to her always helping out 

whenever she was In trouble always going 

out of your way all because that one day down 

by the lake that she did not even remember, but you 

did and that meant nothing to her but it did 

to you, pause, tears fall a few cuss words 

come from your mouth feeling hurt and confused 

as sadness begins to fill you up so you write a 

letter telling her off tell her what she is and is 

not with the last thing you tell her is you hope 

she rots in jail because that's where she 

belongs and if she wants a divorce, she can

pay for it herself. I have spent enough time and 

money on trash like her and that was it. That 

is the last thing I will ever say about it, I ask you please,

no I told you so or I knew it or anything at all 

about it I feel stupid enough as it is, y'all were right 

I was wrong, okay, but when you're lonely and depressed

having gone through what I have with a narcissist 

and nut cases raising a child who is not your blood 

by yourself sick with diabetes that's killing you 

day by day, if a beautiful woman you have always 

considered a friend ask you to marry them knowing

It is probably a mistake except for a little part of you 

thinks maybe it just might work and you might

find love and affection and maybe you won't 

be alone for however little time you have left in this life 

what in the hell would you say sigh, mi vida loca

is right.

The end 

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.

A Poet's Journey