No longer afraid of the dark

When you are lonely and sick thinking to yourself that you're going to end up dying alone, a smile or laughter are a few things that just do not come around, so you cut yourself off from family and friends lock yourself in your room and stare at the walls waiting to die like I was, you do not expect somebody you have always loved and I wondered what if for the last eight years, and you always wrote about calls you up out of nowhere after two years of wondering what the hell happened to them and ask you to marry them. of course, you would say yes .. did just that she brought me out of the deep depression I was made me feel good about myself made me get better giving me something more to look forward to calling me every day to make sure I was doing what the doctors said making sure I was taking my meds giving me a purpose in life again she did all that for me .. how it all ended is one thing that is what addiction does to you it's an ugly disease but regardless she saved my life by reminding me I am somebody so I will always love her for that. I really do not want to talk about this it's over and believe it or not I am doing fine, just started a new job and things are looking up. Thank you, everyone, for having my back and have been worried I love every one of you my fans friends, and family and I pray she finds her way someday and she beats her demons and although our marriage is over along with our friendship, she will always have a special place in my heart.. 

No longer afraid of the dark 

At this point in my life, I am just tired, 
I want to turn off my phone and lock 
all the doors, close the windows, pull 
down all the shades. I just want to 
stay in my room and lay in my bed, pull 
the covers up while I put a pillow over 
my head, then scream and yell as loud 
as I can until I lose my voice, once again 
then cry until I am out of tears. I am 
no longer afraid of the dark, for it is 
where I lived now most of my life, but 
I do now fear the light because it hurts 
my eyes. I do not need anyone in my life
I just want to give up and raise the white 
flag, I have had enough, no more strength 
or will to fight and even hope is gone out 
of my sight. Every time I think I found 
love, I find It was just another lie forever is not 
that long and marriage sure ain't what it used to 
be. I am tired of walking around blind. I am 
always being used and lied to every 
time getting played a fool for being a 
nice guy, we all know, will lose every 
time as we finish last, but no more see
if I am gone. There won't be anybody 
home, nobody around to ask for money 
as fake tears will fall, getting up real close, 
making promises saying I need your 
help while acting out the part of a porno film I 
just want to be left alone. 
Please do not knock or call my phone 
don't message me on Facebook or 
the video chat on Zoom. I am very broken, I am 
lost, my heart has been torn apart I 
have given all that can give as the takers 
have taken all that I have got, not even
do I have any gives to fuck, I no longer 
fear dying or my death, as I have no 
more life left that I want to live. All I want 
now is my wings to spread so I can fly 
back home so I can live with Him if He
doesn't want to extend his hand. It's okay 
I will not be mad, I do understand, so I 
will fall from grace and live in hell I hope 
they have Netflix if not, oh well, at least I will no longer 
be here. The point I am trying to say is enough 
is enough how much more pain can one person 
take, how many times am I going to make the 
same mistakes. How many times am I going to 
believe their lies, they act so well, they 
should win Oscars with their name in lights 
I fall for the teardrops every time, say okay, then
Wake up to a broken heart that has been broke 
so much they cannot fix it like Humpty Dumpty 
even a King could not fix
The problem is and this took me fifty-five years
to figure this out is I am the most intelligent idiot 
you will ever meet the smartest dumbass alive 
today I want to believe there is still good in people
I am fading in that hope and wishing for
change on falling stars. nobody listens, nobody cares
unless it is about themselves, maybe it's me 
or where I have been looking, maybe it is society 
In the way, it looks at things, maybe my standards 
are just a little low I should look up from the gutter
that is only filled with dope whores
and Hoes, no more looking at inmates dot com
bitches behind bars. You only find liars and con
artist drug addicts and probably their sister and mom.
The next time, wait, back up. That's a mistake.
what I mean to say is I am done for now I would 
rather live alone than live in a fantasy world filled
with lies it will be so much easier that is no 
joke nobody trying to pull a lick on you or going behind 
your back lying cheating and talking smack
No more nagging or honey do's while they lay 
around the house getting fat as hell no more
secrets no more fabricated stories that should 
be on a New York Times bestseller list
no more trying to make a dream come true 
finding out later you married Freddy Krueger
who turned it into a nightmare come true no more 
woman who may or may not look just like a 
beauty queen on the outside just to find out they
are as ugly as shit on the inside with no heart
or soul you know the ones who out of nowhere call you 
on the phone taking advantage of your kindness
asking you to marry them and talk all sweet
asking for help raising their daughter and 
getting out of jail for free so when they get 
out they can help take care of you hiding the 
fact about how much time they had left only 
wanting to talk about how much money they need 
on all their books never caring about what you 
maybe going through while everyone around is 
warning you while you defend her telling everyone 
you were close friends which were true
always defending her because you believed it too
so you work your ass off making sure all the 
paperwork was right then going to a prison just to 
make all your hopes and dreams come true
telling her she could back out of it I would be okay 
as she tells you no baby this is what I want I promise 
everything will be okay, so you say I do she said 
I do to death do you part l, you kiss your bride and hug 
real tight holding hands a tear falls down fifteen 
minutes later
you are driving home so happy so alive excited
to see what the future brings thinking about
your family until you fall asleep dreaming of your 
beautiful wife looking down at your wedding ring
Smiling, then a little while later you notice your 
phone does not ring as much and when it does 
you talk about this, and that then find out she is 
not listening, then you find out she is starting 
to talk to all her ex-friends, the ones who are all 
on drugs, which is all she wants to talk about as
they find out who she really got married to 
talking shit making her feel like crap, embarrassed that
she did such a thing than getting a phone call the 
first in a few days cursing and screaming, making 
up stories accusing you of bullshit and stupid
things calling your son a liar when he did not 
Lie about one damn thing, say things like I 
never should have married you. I want an annulment
leaving you looking around, feeling lost and 
stupid hurt and exhausted pissed off and 
furious that she made you look like a damn fool 
after claiming she was your friend, so you start
looking deeper into the past,  remember all
the things she had done to you remembering that 
she was nothing but a dope whore and car thief 
who has always taken advantage of you when all 
you were was nice to her always helping out 
whenever she was In trouble always going 
out of your way all because that one day down 
by the lake that she did not even remember, but you 
did and that meant nothing to her but it did 
to you, pause, tears fall a few cuss words 
come from your mouth feeling hurt and confused 
as sadness begins to fill you up so you write a 
letter telling her off tell her what she is and is 
not with the last thing you tell her is you hope 
she rots in jail because that's where she 
belongs and if she wants a divorce, she can
pay for it herself. I have spent enough time and 
money on trash like her and that was it. That 
is the last thing I will ever say about it, I ask you please,
no I told you so or I knew it or anything at all 
about it I feel stupid enough as it is, y'all were right 
I was wrong, okay, but when you're lonely and depressed
having gone through what I have with a narcissist 
and nut cases raising a child who is not your blood 
by yourself sick with diabetes that's killing you 
day by day, if a beautiful woman you have always 
considered a friend ask you to marry them knowing
It is probably a mistake except for a little part of you 
thinks maybe it just might work and you might
find love and affection and maybe you won't 
be alone for however little time you have left in this life 
what in the hell would you say sigh, mi vida loca
is right.

The end 

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.
A Poet's Journey

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