My own living hell

My tired bloodshot eyes open

up to a view of the dirty street

while someone stole the shoes 

that were on my feet I am 

shivering uncontrollably because 

it is so cold, I am broke with no 

more dope feeling sick to my 

stomach and very hungry just

wondering to myself where in 

the hell I am this time around? 

Close my eyes again hoping that 

this is just another nightmare 

but it is not, so I punch the ground

break my hand and the tears begin 

to fall then splash down on the 

ground around me, so I scream 

out to nothing but the silent echoes

of my own voice, looking all

around me but only seeing

the shadows of myself

looking back at me shaking

 their head as if to say what

 the hell did you do this time

 you loser, you will never

 amount to anything, hearing

 the familer condescending

voice of my father, while

seeing the disappointed look

on my mothers face, hearing

the screaming and the

fighting as they argue it is not

their fault well he is your son,

then I realize that I need to

get high so I do not hear the

voices in my head, but I am

so damn tired and have no

more strength to continue on

fighting all the demons that I 

know now we ourselves all 

make, all of the battles raging

on every single day and night

falling back down to the dirty

ground on my knees as I look

up to some where beyond the

heaven's and pray to God or

to whoever it is that will listen

asking them to take my

pathetic life, I don't really 

care how, shoot me with a

gun or stab me with a knife,

for I see no end in sight, I 

have no more hope to hold on

too anymore or the strength

to continue on in this life,

waking up every morning

always feeling like I am dying

more each day anyways deep 

down inside all the while, I

keep reaching out to

something I should not so I

make another empty promise

swearing to myself just one

more drink to calm my nerves

then I will quit tomorrow as I 

am swearing at myself that I 

should have listened to what 

I had said the last time all the

while I keep making excuses

but in actuality, I am falling

faster and deeper into the

darkness that is now below

me straight down into the fiery 

pits that are coming from the 

depths of my own living hell 

so I try to fight back this time 

even harder but fail miserably 

causing a pain to begin coming 

from somewhere in my head 

and the center of my chest 

growing stronger day by day 

that is making me start to go 

absolutely insane, deciding that 

I need to now "self medicate" 

only fooling myself and everyone 

around that I will be okay but 

I'm not as the darkness just 

keeps on attacking me as it 

surrounds me and is now 

part of me living in my 

dreams turning them into 

nightmares that scare the

 hell out of me while I sleep 

so now I need to get high so

 I can just stay up and not 

ever go to sleep and try to 

deal with it by ignoring it 

masking all the truths with 

the lies of who I really am 

just an addict who is on the 

run from the shadows that 

now follow me and the evil 

that lives inside of me 

screaming as loud as I can 

to the sound of only silent 

pleas crying out for help 

that I cannot ever see living in a 

life that was meant for the 

dead and dying all alone 

with no friends or family 

abandoned by all of those 

who I had loved the most for

 I a have systematically in a 

short amount of time 

destroyed all of their trust 

watching as all of my 

dreams now crumble to the 

ground and turn to dust 

barely alive while living on 

the precipice of a certain 

death hiding from the reality 

of what it really is a disease 

or disorder of the heart, 

mind, and soul and one 

without a cure that is 

something that we all now 

should fear for If you 

become infected I fear that 

it is already too late for as it 

has already dug your grave 

six feet down waiting for 

you, see once it has you in 

its grips it is to late my 

friend you are lost deep 

down somewhere in the 

depths of hell married to 

your demons who now will 

control you while they feast 

slowly upon your soul 

laughing as you are dying a 

little more each day until 

the who you once were 

and used to be now just 

fade away as you become 

just another forgotten 

memory whose name time 

will forget anyways. 

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.

A Poet's Journey 

A Texas Poet Laureate Nominee 2016-2020