Hope (a Prayer for Ryder)
I was sitting alone in the park one day at
lunch and I sat on the same bench where
Ryder and I used to play, we would sing our
songs and laugh and pray while letting the
world go by, those were bright and sunny
days of just him and I.
Then as I looked up it hit me I was staring
right at the tree where I carved out our initials
for everyone to see, so I got up and I looked
but all the tears that were now falling it was
hard for me to find anything at all but then I
found them and it read “I love Ryder and Ryder
All of sudden I got a sharp pain in my chest
and I fell hard to the ground, it hit me so hard
that it knocked me to my knees, I looked all
around and saw that everyone was watching
so I threw my fist up into the air and I lifted
my head up to God and I screamed as loud
as I could why me?
Why would you bring him into my life knowing
how much I would care? I gave that little boy
everything I had left to give in my heart, in my
soul, all my strength all that I had left to give
do you not understand?
He was the only reason that I am still here, my
only will I had left to live.
I hate you God that was not fair and now I live
with all of these memories that play over and
over stuck in my head and not like I a dream,
No now my life is nothing but a living nightmare.
Then I hear Ryder’s little voice calling out to me
I say Ryder I am right here and look but there
was nobody here.
Then in a whisper, I say "I am sorry God I did not
mean what I said I am finished here please take
me now because I would rather be dead, I hurt so bad
every single day from a heart that is broken and
it will never heal and a soul that is dying and can
no longer feel, he is my son no matter what they
say or do Ryder is my little bundle of joy and I miss
him so very bad, I am so damn tired of hurting
from all this sorrow and regret I am so lonely and
sad" and I looked down and cried and I sobbed.
Then I remembered God had a son once too
Jesus was his name I thought he did understand,
right then I felt His hand as He placed it on my
head and I felt him as my heart filled with so
much love he wanted me to know he was listening
from his home high above.
"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only
begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not
perish, but have eternal life." I opened up my heart and
I let him back in.
Today, I still hurt every single day and I still cry for my
son Ryder but now I know our lord that is in heaven
above is watching and he will let me see him one day
because it is our destiny our fate either here on earth
or high above at heaven’s gate and that is what I now
Pray every night before I go to sleep.
In his name Amen.
One year after I wrote this piece I was awarded the right to be on my son's life with both DNA parents standing in Parker County in a Weatherford court, The judge said I would be in my sons and not have to pay to be in it". Today four years later I have full custody and Ryder just turned 7 years old and is doing great.
Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.
A Poet's Journey